As I make this entry I realize it has a been a long time since I have written anything. The last two years have truly been rough going through a season of tremendous grief but even in my sorrow God has blessed me inspite of my actions.
Today as I write this it is still hard to believe that after losing my little Zuri, the next year I was to become the mother of little LJ. It was an emotional and draining pregancy. I was on pins and needles the whole time and little LJ was born early and spent six weeks in the hospital, God has truly proven himself faithful when I have not been. Today at 9 months old I still look at my son in awe and can't believe he is mine ande I am his.
The road to higher ground is still rocky and a whole new set of fears have set in, I realize that it is a daily struggle to ascend upward but I can't keep looking back because looking back will hinder me from teaching my son how to reach for higher heights on a daily basis.
I just want to thank God for his grace and mercy and in my weakness I ask for his continued strength.
Sunday, June 06, 2010
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Focus
Lately, I have been finding it so hard to focus even on the smallest things of life. I am currently in the process of trying to complete a paper that is due by midnight and for the life of me I cannot focus on this to save my soul. Lord help me to focus, I don't want to fail, but sometimes I just want to throw in the towel and go hide. Lord lift me up so I can stand because I definitely can't do it on my own.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
It is Well With My Soul Video
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This song has been such a blessing to me!
This song has been such a blessing to me!
Just beautiful!
This is such a beautiful memorial to our child. I am so thankful that I heard about this wonderful site. This is a tremendous gift for parents who have lost a child. I extend a heartfelt thank you to the loving couple who have taken on the mission to have a place for so many children not to be forgotten. What a tremendous gift of love and compassion. Whatever My Lot
One of my favorite hymns is "It is Well With My Soul". Unfortunately, I haven't been feeling well in my soul lately. The past few months have been a harrowing and numbing experience but I am beginning to see the light again.
This month has been particularly rough for me, because this is the month that my baby daughter Zuri was supposed to be born on October 15 which was also National Child Loss Day. It was a wake up call for me to realize that not many are aware that such a day exists. If only it didn't have to be that we needed a day such as this. Some days I can't help but think about if everything would have went as planned would she be here by now or would she still be holding out....:) Well I know that I must press on but I have been praying that God will show me how I can help someone else who may be hurting from a loss.
As I stated above, "It Is Well" is one of my favorite hymns and it was written by Horatio Spafford after experiencing significant tragedy in his own life. He lost a son, his four daughters and his financial security in separate incidents and still could pen these words. I truly admire that. I am praying for renewed faith as I follow this path of grief and pray that God will lead me into his pasture of peace.
This month has been particularly rough for me, because this is the month that my baby daughter Zuri was supposed to be born on October 15 which was also National Child Loss Day. It was a wake up call for me to realize that not many are aware that such a day exists. If only it didn't have to be that we needed a day such as this. Some days I can't help but think about if everything would have went as planned would she be here by now or would she still be holding out....:) Well I know that I must press on but I have been praying that God will show me how I can help someone else who may be hurting from a loss.
As I stated above, "It Is Well" is one of my favorite hymns and it was written by Horatio Spafford after experiencing significant tragedy in his own life. He lost a son, his four daughters and his financial security in separate incidents and still could pen these words. I truly admire that. I am praying for renewed faith as I follow this path of grief and pray that God will lead me into his pasture of peace.
It Is Well With My Soul
When peace like a river, attendeth my way,When sorrows like sea billows roll;Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Refrain:It is well, with my soul,It is well, with my soul,It is well, it is well, with my soul.
When peace like a river, attendeth my way,When sorrows like sea billows roll;Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Refrain:It is well, with my soul,It is well, with my soul,It is well, it is well, with my soul.
So, I know that I have been forever changed by this experience in my life but I have chosen to trust in God and believe that I will come forth as a new creature and will continue my journey to Higher Ground with the memory of Zuri in my heart. I will get there eventually. So whatever my lot it has caused me to say it is well it is well with my soul.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Coping
I have always been pretty good at rolling with the punches and pushing all my feelings aside to please others, but now I realize I have to come up with another coping mechanism before I explode. I know that life is not always fair and tragedy touches the majority of us at one point and time in our lives, but I realize I haven't allowed myself the time to digest the tragedy before I am moving on and pretending that all is well when it isn't.
I do know that there are so many who are suffering as I write this and I feel like I am being selfish for focusing on my pain but I realize I have to address it and work my way through. If I don't I know I won't get anywhere near HIGHER GROUND.
I think about what should be and is not and my heart aches, but I must find the strength to move on, but I ask myself what am I moving on too. I am tired of being in the same spot. I know I have to seek so I can find.
LORD HELP ME I AM DROWNING.
I do know that there are so many who are suffering as I write this and I feel like I am being selfish for focusing on my pain but I realize I have to address it and work my way through. If I don't I know I won't get anywhere near HIGHER GROUND.
I think about what should be and is not and my heart aches, but I must find the strength to move on, but I ask myself what am I moving on too. I am tired of being in the same spot. I know I have to seek so I can find.
LORD HELP ME I AM DROWNING.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Seasons
Seasons, we all have heard about the different periods and time spans in our lives referred to as the seasons of our lives. Well there are the good seasons, not so good and totally horrible seasons that we all go through. At the start of the year, I thought I was entering a joyous season. I found out in late January that I was going to enter the season of motherhood. I had always said I didn't want to be a mother because of the issues I had with my mother, but I have grown to know that doesn't mean I would be the same type of mother.
Well as I was settling into the fact I was definitely going to be a mother, my husband and I were starting to get excited. I thought I was doing all the right things. I waited until after the initial testing and the first trimester to even announce my pregnancy to be on the safe side. After the first trimester I was feeling confident I had gotten past the most crucial period, when a loss could happen at any time or so I thought.
Well as my pregnancy progressed and I was experiencing the usual physical drain of pregnancy, I was feeling confident that come October I was truly going to be a mommy. Well after I reached the halfway mark and had my second level ultrasound in week 21 (June 5), we were thrilled to find out a little girl was on the way (although my husband was hoping for a boy) and that all was looking good. My little Zuri Simone was doing good. The next week at my regularly scheduled GYN appointment (June 12) her heartbeat was strong as ever. The only issue that was starting to creep up was my blood pressure was starting to elevate. I had to go to my regular doctor to get monitored for my HBP and change to a different medicine. I had not taken any HBP medicine since I found out I was pregnant and my readings were always good at my appointments.
Well my next scheduled appointment was set for July 7 (week 26 of pregnancy) and that is the day my season of joy turned into a season of sorrow and grief. I must say I felt in my spirit that something may be wrong before I made it to my appointment. It is like a sadness came over me that wouldn't go away. I prayed hard for peace of mind and that I was just being a paranoid first time mother to be.
Well the worst (that deep down I feared) had happened when I get to my appointment. My doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. Usually she had always found it right away. I knew when she told me to get dressed and we would talk that my baby girl was gone. How could this be? I went for the emergency ultrasound and it was confirmed that my daughter was still her little heart had stopped beating and there wasn't much fluid surrounding her. So I had to go to the hospital to be induced to give birth to my still baby. How could this be? I wish someone could give me the answer.
After a night and full day I still hadn't given birth to Zuri and I am trying not to totally flip out but the fact still remained my baby girl was not alive. All the nurses, residents, etc. were kind and compassionate but the end result was still the same. Early July 9, my water breaks and I start to bleed and the first signs of contractions hit hard. Here it is the time of delivery, sounds like your typical delivery scenario but I guess I cannot forget that my baby will never take a breath on the outside because she is already deceased. Once again, I ask the questions, HOW CAN THIS BE? WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT DID I DO? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? Only to be told you will probably never know the answers to these questions.
Well my little girl arrives, we get to hold her, take pictures, have her blessed and spend as much time as we want with her. Sounds good to the average listener, but guess what we can't take her home. We get to bring home the nice memory box the hospital provides to the parents of the deceased baby.
Well today as I write this, I am still in the season of sorrow and as I have come to learn there is not a set time for me to magically feel normal. I have learned that I have to allow myself this time to JUST BE. I can't pretend I don't miss my baby girl. I can't just pick up and be alright because that is what is expected of me. I have to JUST BE.
I know I must get up and eventually press on with the memory of Zuri in my heart, no matter what she is my baby daughter. Yes this season of my life with the unexpected ending has forever changed me, but I know that I must press on. How I will accomplish that I cannot for sure give an answer.
It would be so nice to be able to predict the ups and downs of this life but we cannot so I must trust, and that hasn't been easy, that GOD KNOWS BEST. I have to pray daily Lord forgive my unbelief.
Forever
Zuri's Mom
Well as I was settling into the fact I was definitely going to be a mother, my husband and I were starting to get excited. I thought I was doing all the right things. I waited until after the initial testing and the first trimester to even announce my pregnancy to be on the safe side. After the first trimester I was feeling confident I had gotten past the most crucial period, when a loss could happen at any time or so I thought.
Well as my pregnancy progressed and I was experiencing the usual physical drain of pregnancy, I was feeling confident that come October I was truly going to be a mommy. Well after I reached the halfway mark and had my second level ultrasound in week 21 (June 5), we were thrilled to find out a little girl was on the way (although my husband was hoping for a boy) and that all was looking good. My little Zuri Simone was doing good. The next week at my regularly scheduled GYN appointment (June 12) her heartbeat was strong as ever. The only issue that was starting to creep up was my blood pressure was starting to elevate. I had to go to my regular doctor to get monitored for my HBP and change to a different medicine. I had not taken any HBP medicine since I found out I was pregnant and my readings were always good at my appointments.
Well my next scheduled appointment was set for July 7 (week 26 of pregnancy) and that is the day my season of joy turned into a season of sorrow and grief. I must say I felt in my spirit that something may be wrong before I made it to my appointment. It is like a sadness came over me that wouldn't go away. I prayed hard for peace of mind and that I was just being a paranoid first time mother to be.
Well the worst (that deep down I feared) had happened when I get to my appointment. My doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. Usually she had always found it right away. I knew when she told me to get dressed and we would talk that my baby girl was gone. How could this be? I went for the emergency ultrasound and it was confirmed that my daughter was still her little heart had stopped beating and there wasn't much fluid surrounding her. So I had to go to the hospital to be induced to give birth to my still baby. How could this be? I wish someone could give me the answer.
After a night and full day I still hadn't given birth to Zuri and I am trying not to totally flip out but the fact still remained my baby girl was not alive. All the nurses, residents, etc. were kind and compassionate but the end result was still the same. Early July 9, my water breaks and I start to bleed and the first signs of contractions hit hard. Here it is the time of delivery, sounds like your typical delivery scenario but I guess I cannot forget that my baby will never take a breath on the outside because she is already deceased. Once again, I ask the questions, HOW CAN THIS BE? WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT DID I DO? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? Only to be told you will probably never know the answers to these questions.
Well my little girl arrives, we get to hold her, take pictures, have her blessed and spend as much time as we want with her. Sounds good to the average listener, but guess what we can't take her home. We get to bring home the nice memory box the hospital provides to the parents of the deceased baby.
Well today as I write this, I am still in the season of sorrow and as I have come to learn there is not a set time for me to magically feel normal. I have learned that I have to allow myself this time to JUST BE. I can't pretend I don't miss my baby girl. I can't just pick up and be alright because that is what is expected of me. I have to JUST BE.
I know I must get up and eventually press on with the memory of Zuri in my heart, no matter what she is my baby daughter. Yes this season of my life with the unexpected ending has forever changed me, but I know that I must press on. How I will accomplish that I cannot for sure give an answer.
It would be so nice to be able to predict the ups and downs of this life but we cannot so I must trust, and that hasn't been easy, that GOD KNOWS BEST. I have to pray daily Lord forgive my unbelief.
Forever
Zuri's Mom
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Have I attained Higher Ground!
It has been a while since my first entry and my quest for higher ground. So the question may be how has my trek been thus far. It has been bumpy and it seems like I haven't progressed at all. At times I feel very discouraged, but I realized I must not give up. I must press on and not faint. Higher Ground is where I must go. Others on the journey to Higher ground in your life, don't give up, keep pressing on! Higher Heights each and every day.
Friday, October 08, 2004
I Will Bless The Lord
I love the Psalms, I can relate to many of the heartfelt cries to God for deliverance, restoration, healing and many other things we go through in this life plus just plain ole praise and worship of God our Father.
David said I will Bless the Lord at all times, this is a common phrase we hear in the christian world but it wasn't until a while a go that I was reading a commentary on this particular verse that I realized that ALL TIMES really meant ALL TIMES. So, it means that when my faith is shaken to the core, my heart is heavy, I can barely manage to utter a prayer, the enemy is bombarding me with messages of hopelessness, I am still to bless the Lord and continually praise Him. I do have to admit at the low times I don't feel like blessing the Lord or praising I am just barely holding on, but I am beginning to truly realize that God is there in the midst of my struggles and there is also a blessing and a lesson in the midst of the struggle.
I use to think I had to make myself good enough and then God will hear me, but He is there at all times even in the darkest times. Just like He is there at all times, it goes the same that I should Bless Him at all times. I am to bless him and encourage those around me to bless Him. So, how exactly do I tell my friend who has called me and said she is on the run from her abusive husband that she should still be blessing the Lord. It is not easy to have that kind of trust that even in the midst of that type of drama God is still to be praised and realize that He is working it out for our good.
Lord I bless and praise you right now although I am in the midst of weakened faith and uncertainty, but you are worthy of all praise!
The trip to higher ground sure can be rocky, but I will hold on with all I have on the way up.
David said I will Bless the Lord at all times, this is a common phrase we hear in the christian world but it wasn't until a while a go that I was reading a commentary on this particular verse that I realized that ALL TIMES really meant ALL TIMES. So, it means that when my faith is shaken to the core, my heart is heavy, I can barely manage to utter a prayer, the enemy is bombarding me with messages of hopelessness, I am still to bless the Lord and continually praise Him. I do have to admit at the low times I don't feel like blessing the Lord or praising I am just barely holding on, but I am beginning to truly realize that God is there in the midst of my struggles and there is also a blessing and a lesson in the midst of the struggle.
I use to think I had to make myself good enough and then God will hear me, but He is there at all times even in the darkest times. Just like He is there at all times, it goes the same that I should Bless Him at all times. I am to bless him and encourage those around me to bless Him. So, how exactly do I tell my friend who has called me and said she is on the run from her abusive husband that she should still be blessing the Lord. It is not easy to have that kind of trust that even in the midst of that type of drama God is still to be praised and realize that He is working it out for our good.
Lord I bless and praise you right now although I am in the midst of weakened faith and uncertainty, but you are worthy of all praise!
The trip to higher ground sure can be rocky, but I will hold on with all I have on the way up.
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