Saturday, August 30, 2008


I have always been pretty good at rolling with the punches and pushing all my feelings aside to please others, but now I realize I have to come up with another coping mechanism before I explode. I know that life is not always fair and tragedy touches the majority of us at one point and time in our lives, but I realize I haven't allowed myself the time to digest the tragedy before I am moving on and pretending that all is well when it isn't.

I do know that there are so many who are suffering as I write this and I feel like I am being selfish for focusing on my pain but I realize I have to address it and work my way through. If I don't I know I won't get anywhere near HIGHER GROUND.

I think about what should be and is not and my heart aches, but I must find the strength to move on, but I ask myself what am I moving on too. I am tired of being in the same spot. I know I have to seek so I can find.


Monday, August 18, 2008


Seasons, we all have heard about the different periods and time spans in our lives referred to as the seasons of our lives. Well there are the good seasons, not so good and totally horrible seasons that we all go through. At the start of the year, I thought I was entering a joyous season. I found out in late January that I was going to enter the season of motherhood. I had always said I didn't want to be a mother because of the issues I had with my mother, but I have grown to know that doesn't mean I would be the same type of mother.

Well as I was settling into the fact I was definitely going to be a mother, my husband and I were starting to get excited. I thought I was doing all the right things. I waited until after the initial testing and the first trimester to even announce my pregnancy to be on the safe side. After the first trimester I was feeling confident I had gotten past the most crucial period, when a loss could happen at any time or so I thought.

Well as my pregnancy progressed and I was experiencing the usual physical drain of pregnancy, I was feeling confident that come October I was truly going to be a mommy. Well after I reached the halfway mark and had my second level ultrasound in week 21 (June 5), we were thrilled to find out a little girl was on the way (although my husband was hoping for a boy) and that all was looking good. My little Zuri Simone was doing good. The next week at my regularly scheduled GYN appointment (June 12) her heartbeat was strong as ever. The only issue that was starting to creep up was my blood pressure was starting to elevate. I had to go to my regular doctor to get monitored for my HBP and change to a different medicine. I had not taken any HBP medicine since I found out I was pregnant and my readings were always good at my appointments.

Well my next scheduled appointment was set for July 7 (week 26 of pregnancy) and that is the day my season of joy turned into a season of sorrow and grief. I must say I felt in my spirit that something may be wrong before I made it to my appointment. It is like a sadness came over me that wouldn't go away. I prayed hard for peace of mind and that I was just being a paranoid first time mother to be.

Well the worst (that deep down I feared) had happened when I get to my appointment. My doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. Usually she had always found it right away. I knew when she told me to get dressed and we would talk that my baby girl was gone. How could this be? I went for the emergency ultrasound and it was confirmed that my daughter was still her little heart had stopped beating and there wasn't much fluid surrounding her. So I had to go to the hospital to be induced to give birth to my still baby. How could this be? I wish someone could give me the answer.

After a night and full day I still hadn't given birth to Zuri and I am trying not to totally flip out but the fact still remained my baby girl was not alive. All the nurses, residents, etc. were kind and compassionate but the end result was still the same. Early July 9, my water breaks and I start to bleed and the first signs of contractions hit hard. Here it is the time of delivery, sounds like your typical delivery scenario but I guess I cannot forget that my baby will never take a breath on the outside because she is already deceased. Once again, I ask the questions, HOW CAN THIS BE? WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT DID I DO? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? Only to be told you will probably never know the answers to these questions.

Well my little girl arrives, we get to hold her, take pictures, have her blessed and spend as much time as we want with her. Sounds good to the average listener, but guess what we can't take her home. We get to bring home the nice memory box the hospital provides to the parents of the deceased baby.

Well today as I write this, I am still in the season of sorrow and as I have come to learn there is not a set time for me to magically feel normal. I have learned that I have to allow myself this time to JUST BE. I can't pretend I don't miss my baby girl. I can't just pick up and be alright because that is what is expected of me. I have to JUST BE.

I know I must get up and eventually press on with the memory of Zuri in my heart, no matter what she is my baby daughter. Yes this season of my life with the unexpected ending has forever changed me, but I know that I must press on. How I will accomplish that I cannot for sure give an answer.

It would be so nice to be able to predict the ups and downs of this life but we cannot so I must trust, and that hasn't been easy, that GOD KNOWS BEST. I have to pray daily Lord forgive my unbelief.

Zuri's Mom